that’s a great question.

it honestly started out really slowly. i mean, i’m not really a believer in love at first sight, despite my romanticism. but mainly what drew me to Jess was that she was everything my girlfriend at the time wasn’t: kind, warm, open, affable, easy to talk to. we could just sit and talk for hours if we had the time, but we never did. at first i just thought i had found a great friend.

but i started to crave her presence all the time. on the rare days that she wouldn’t show up to class, i would feel so disappointed it was like a weight was around my neck and every time the door opened, my eyes would slam against the doorway, praying for the sight of her walking in and fixing my day, but it never was and it stuck with me for hours to come.

then, one day, like a smack in the face, it hit me. we were sitting in the computer lab at our school, doing some bullshit project. mainly the time was just used for us to talk to each other, and i valued that so much. and let me tell you something, i remember this day to the letter. i remember what i was wearing, i remember what she was wearing, i remember the song i was listening to when she looked over at me and her eyes softened, punching me in the gut with their beauty as she made me feel like the only thing that mattered or existed in her world. i remember sitting there, looking her dead in the eyes and thinking, “oh fuck, i think i’m in love with this girl”

it became an all consuming fire within my heart that could not be extinguished with the sheer rationality or pragmatism of my brain trying to tell me over and over, “danny, she won’t want you,” or “danny, she’s so far above you,” or “danny, you have a girlfriend; what the fuck are you doing?”

nothing i did stopped it or even slowed it down. at night, i’d listen to that same song over and over again, Ben Howard’s Cloud Nine, and i’d cry my fucking eyes out, holding my pillow and wishing it were her, trying to resign myself to the fact that it never would be. i’d see her at school and we’d talk and she’d look at me, she would fucking look at me, and drive her eyes further and further into mine until i couldn’t bear to look any longer without breaking down completely. i’d crave to touch her so much that it became a physical pain that i knew could never be cured and i knew, i just fucking KNEW that if she touched me i would dissolve into particles and float away into nonexistence.

i thought i knew what love felt like before her. i was so fucking wrong. i couldn’t sleep, food was tasteless, i had no motivation for anything. i was totally and completely paralyzed. the only moments that meant anything to me were those that were spent with her. and even now, three years later, i’m sitting here crying my eyes out as i write this because i never want to go back to feeling like that. it was worse than being friendless in a school full of people i didn’t know, it was worse than cocaine addiction and attempted suicide, it was worse than losing my grandfather. it was worse than anything. love is not something amazing or fun when it’s unrequited. it tears you apart from the inside ceaselessly and without care. it takes over your life and your mind and your entire fucking being. and no one should be forced to deal with that, but they are and they do and so was i. life isn’t easy, i know that, but i don’t think anyone on the outside understands until it happens to them.

unrequited love is a kind of depression.

flash forward to now, and we’ve been together almost a year and a half and i make myself remember these things and these feelings because i never want to take her for granted. i never want it to just be the norm that she is mine and i am hers. she lights up my life, she keeps my head above water, she is my be-all-end-all. she’s my sun and stars, my best girl, and my soulmate. and i’d give up my entire world to give her everything she wants. because she deserves that and i don’t deserve her. i never want to forget even for a second what a gift it is that she is mine. and i never want her to forget that i know that.

so yeah. that’s what it felt like falling in love with my soulmate.

AND THAT IS EXACTLY THE TYPE OF BLOGGER I WANT TO BE. I WANT TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR MY FOLLOWERS AND NOT BE INTIMIDATING AT ALL OR MEAN OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL LIKE THEY CAN TALK TO ME ALWAYS. BECAUSE THEY CAN AND THEY SHOULD

ALSO IM PUBLISHING THIS BECAUSE EVERYONE DESERVES TO KNOW HOW AWESOME YOU ARE

ellen you’re the freaking coolest man and YOU’RE MY FAVORITE BLOG OK

it’s because of you i am where i am today, and i’ll never stop saying it, and i’ll never stop thanking you. you following me, talking to me, and helping me out when no one else would were watershed moments in my tumblr journey and since then, over the course of a month–a FUCKING MONTH ELLEN–i’ve gone up 679 followers, gotten accepted into countless networks, even started a few of my own, been a runner up in a BOTM (I WILL WIN ONE DAY GODDAMN IT I WILL DO YOU PROUD), and met some of the most awesome people in my life. it’s because of you my theme looks pretty and has alternating sidebar images with wonderful chris evans pictures. it’s because of you that i’m never afraid to fuck something up on my blog because i know if i do, i can call on you and you will fix it. i will never be able to express my thanks enough, even if you’re so damn modest you think you didn’t do anything. it’s not a coincidence, my friend. you did something wonderful. i love you, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it

have a wonderful night.<333

5 - Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

Hell yes. I hung out with Jess today and it was a wonderful day, like every single one I spend with her. I am so incredibly lucky; I just can’t say it enough.

8 - Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

Okay, forgetting the total sexism of that question, let’s just say that I think it’s disgusting when anyone gets really wasted. I’ve never been a drinker. I have nothing against it, but wasted people annoy me to no end. There are exceptions to this rule. Some people handle alcohol better than others. But I don’t think disgusting is the right word. Depressing is better.

20 - Are you starting to realize anything?

My follower count on Tumblr keeps rising and I keep wondering when it’s going to stop, but it hasn’t yet, and maybe I’m realizing it’s not going to? I don’t know, I don’t want to jinx myself but this is really awesome and I’m loving it.

27 - Would you be able to date someone who can’t make you laugh?

Done it before. Wouldn’t ever do it again. God bless you, Jess. I love you so much. Never been with a girl who can make me laugh like you do.

35 - Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

Dear Lord, not if I can help it. My handwriting is abysmal. It looks like a chicken gave birth to another chicken and while it was giving birth it was trying to write with its beak, upside down. Also the chicken is mentally ill and on drugs. So yeah. I try not to.

41 - When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

When my great friend Kris left for college, Jess made him cupcakes. They were very yummy, even if cupcakes aren’t my favorite sweets. Jess is just good at everything, man.

make me admit stuff!

ISN’T IT THE FUCKING BEST OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE IT